Hello Dr. Ora Golan, an expert in neutralizing emotional barriers from the Ora Golan Center, today we will talk about “chicks who refuse to leave the nest”
We were approached by parents of a 27-year-old boy who a year earlier had graduated and returned to live at his parents’ house temporarily – “until he manages”. But this “temporary” became “very permanent” he engaged in temporary jobs and presented his condition as someone who is working very hard to get a job.
The parents realized that something was wrong with this conduct and despite the disagreements between them, decided that they wanted the child to undergo the treatment.
Our recommendation was that the parents do the treatment first, because the parents are sometimes the ones feeding the child the wrong messages due to emotional barriers they have, the parents agreed and came for the treatment of neutralizing emotional barriers in six stages, very focused and short treatments. Already during the treatment, they decided that they would be able to set boundaries. They told Ben that he needed to get out of the house, they paid and rented him an apartment for a year and allowed him to continue to bring his laundry to them and eat with them. Beyond that they did not give him a budget and he had to fend for himself. For the mother the execution was very difficult because she felt she was “throwing her child out of the house” the father, said ‘I can not stand this pressure, it will harm our health’, but in the face of this great difficulty which was a little tougher claimed all the stress with the son would harm his health . Faced with all the difficulty and disagreements between them, at the end of the treatment they convinced the son to do the treatment as well, even though he did not believe it and needed a “persuasion campaign”, he decided to go for treatment.
* Is it advisable for parents with adolescent children to “prepare the ground” for their future departure home?
The answer is – yes unequivocally; If the parents do this at the stage when the children are starting to grow up, before they leave home – they are actually doing a preparation process that prepares them to start the next stage in life. It is highly advisable to start the process as the children get older, because sometimes there is a situation where the parents are the ones who are blocked. They desperately want the child to become independent but it is difficult for them to let go, it is difficult for them to end the role of parent, it is difficult with the “emptying nest”. So they are actually creating a situation that creates some kind of dependence by monetary feeding, which is unhealthy neither for them nor for the child. The children have grown up and no longer need to be nurtured, cared for and protected, they have been given tools to go and cope outside on their own. Now is the time to build the relationship, to do all sorts of things that could not have been done when the children were small.
* How common is the phenomenon of adults refusing to leave the nest?
The phenomenon of adults refusing to leave the nest is very common in Israel and around the world. Recently the phenomenon has intensified because of the immense economic difficulty that young people have at the beginning of their journey; Cost of living, renting an apartment, paying bills, finding a suitable job when usually the starting salaries are very low due to lack of experience. For young people who have become accustomed to the life of comfort and pampering in their parents’ home, it is difficult to leave the current conditions, go down to the standard of living and deal with the difficulty – life. Despite this it is important to address the phenomenon in favor of both parties who came out profitable in the end.
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